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Why Aren’t They Interested In Me?

Why Aren’t They Interested in Me?

Obsessing over a crush is like obsessing over a pair of jeans that you hope would go on sale, yet not seeing that you have other options that are just as slimming, and feasible, too! We often obsess when we know that we are going to be rejected by our crush. When we feel rejection, it can often hurt our self-esteem leading to anxiety and depression. We may feel that we are not good enough for that person to reciprocate the feelings back to us. Expansion is the key to mingling with other people and allowing ourselves to find interest in them.

Undeniable Obsession

We tend to have a strange obsession over things we cannot have. Why is that? Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, says that when feeling rejection, it triggers our brain to feel motivation, reward, addiction and cravings. Furthermore, professor Berit Broggard of University of Miami dives in further into addictive feelings. She states, “Presumably, we’re addicted to thoughts of what could have been but never will be.” In other words, we already know that they won’t like us yet we would like to believe that they would. Why is that?

Strangely, Broggard explains that it has to do with your attachment styles, specifically anxious attachment style. She explains that these individuals grew up in homes where their parents often emotionally rejected them. They faced a familiar feeling when they were romantically rejected. The rejection was part of their norm. Often times, these individuals sought out similar scenarios expecting different outcomes. 

Scarcity is highly valued

Now, what do I mean by this? When we like someone, we place value onto them. The more we value them, the more we are into them. Knowing this, we don’t think about how it’s affecting us. To put in better perspective, relationship expert Matthew Hussey, says that we see attraction the wrong way only wishing that we could be attractive to one person rather than to multiple people. 

Although he is addressing this towards women, the advice can go for men as well. He further states, “When you think about someone, you are investing in them on an internal level. When you are investing in them, they become more attractive. We value what we have invested.” In other words, the more time you spend thinking about someone, the more you create an ideal version of who you think they are. Furthering the discussion, he explains that the reason we do things for people is so that they would like us. When they see that we would do anything for them, their respect level and attraction level goes down. Bottom line, do not be anyone’s guinea pig for love. 

So, what does Matthew suggest?

Ultimately, the best thing you can do is go out and meet new people. Once you meet more people, you’ll stop obsessing over your crush. The point is not beat yourself up just because one person doesn’t like you back. Answer this question, what is it about them that sets them apart from everyone else? Really think about it. Are they really any different from your past relationships? If not, then why are you clinging onto them? You are better off alone than feeling that you are not good enough for that person. This type of behavior often leads to anxiety and depression, which we have enough in the world. Even if you don’t feel ready to mingle, at least turn the page and jot down what you are looking for in a partner and how you would like for them to feel about you. You never know what the Universe will provide..maybe someone new that will spark your interest. 

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Matthew Hunt

I am the Lead Online Counselor and Life Coach with a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy with over 15 years of experience in helping individuals, couples, adolescents, and families struggling with a wide variety of life challenges. I have thus developed several tools to utilize in my counseling toolbox in order to better help you.

 

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